the sum

(hoorah, here goes!)

There's a lot of things I regret.

I wish I could say that lightly, but that would be making this an understatement. And, trust me for once, it's not.

There's a lot of things I regret.

I wish I could tell them all to you, but each word I whisper seems to crush me down even more under the weight, bear me down above all that guilt, bury me deeper in regret. And, that wouldn't help me. Not one bit.

I want to say it. Trust me, I really do. I want to tell you, want to scream it out to you. I need to say these words.

But, I can't. I just cant. I can't say these words because of all the things I know I can't do. The consequences inevitably following my actions can't be ignored; I can't say these words because I'm too much of a coward - I won't take those consequences.

This conscience nags at me; it wants me to say these words to you. But, I can't. Every other muscle and fiber of my being is fighting itself, in a schizophrenic conflict that is truly everlasting in nature.

So let me pass. Let me get pass you, get pass these words, without having to sneak a little squeak of my regret, without having to whisper it to you, and - God forbid - without having to bellow it out to you.

There's a lot - too much for me to even say - that I regret.

This, all these words and all this nonsense and all these hours spend in insomnia over you and all those moments occupied with the uselessness that is you and me, is regret.